Tuesday 3 February 2009

Snow, snow, snow!

Have I been suddenly spirited away to the frozen wastes of the arctic circle while I slept? If so, why wasn't I given advanced warning! I demand compensation for the inconvenience of waking up yesterday morning to find a blanket of white just begging me to marr its perfection by going out and tramping all over it. I had a job interview in Hereford yesterday. Yes, yes, yes, I know I didn't tell you about it, I know! I do have a good excuse though (yes, occasionally they can be reasonably believable). Hereford sent me a letter on Friday telling me I had an interview on Monday. Don't you just love the heaps of time they give you to prepare? Luckily enough, i'd planned to go up there anyway this week as i'd told you, so it wasn't too much hassle to arrange to arrive there 2 days earlier than i'd planned to... Or was it? For mr snow had other ideas. The snow started falling on Sunday evening, right as I was leaving the house to travel. "No problem," thought foolish I, "For the trains will still be running. The snow's only light." Thankfully, JP's mum had offered to give me, the dog, and a huge monster of a rucksack which had interview clothes and stuff for the rest of the week in it, a lift to the train station. We arrived in plenty of time for the train, and waited for it to arrive. And waited, and waited. Then we waited some more. The waiting was so exciting that finally we just couldn't contain ourselves any more and got out of the frigidly cold car, into the biting teeth of the even colder wind to look at the board. The train was cancelled. "Problem," was my initial thought, because this was the last train of the day, but the only direct which I could have travelled on hence my not going earlier. So what do I do? Well, I went back to the car and put my self-righteous, unnecessarily wronged head on before I phoned the train company who informed me that all was not lost, for another service would come to replace the cancelled one in an hour. Let's hear the fanfares to herald the arrival of the heroic rescue party!

So we waited, and waited, and waited. Then, once more, it overcame us. This time when we looked at the board, the train had been delayed for a further 45 minutes. Given that it was now 10 at night, that the train took 2 and a half hours once I was on it to get to Hereford, and that Tony, who would have to drive a round trip of about 30 miles to come pick me up had work at 8 in the morning, I thought it wise to cut my losses and go home. The snow was falling heavier now, but still, in my naivity, I thought, or more accurately hoped furiously, that it would have cleared by the morning. Yes i'd be late for my interview, but I was sure they would accommodate that if I called to explain what had happened. It was with ssinking heart therefore that my slippered feet found rather a lot of snow as they wearily trod the gauntlet of the garden path at 6 in the morning to encourage a sleepy Molly to go pee, and show her that no, really it doesn't kill you to go outside 2 hours earlier than normal. Just on a tangent here, a new reader to the blog pointed out that I very rarely say anything positive about my old mutt, and seemed rather concerned about her. I feel obliged to point out that my comments regarding Molly are made mainly for the sake of engendering a slight smile and a tolerant, polite laugh in my other readers. No, I do not hate my dog. Of course I don't. I love her to bits, but soppy musings aren't nearly as amusing as the usual trend that my writings take when discussing the dog who was, at this point, still sleepy. That soon disappeared though when she realised that peeing early was rewarded very well by a big bowl of food; also early. Dog molified, I thought I would check the news, just before I got dressed. Only to assure myself that trains weren't too badly delayed, you understand. Newscaster: We would like to report that all trains in the southeast and south of England are severely disrupted today, with many services cancelled. When I called the hotline, I discovered to my horror (oh that sounds dramatic, doesn't it?) that every single train to Hereford was cancelled. I couldn't get there. I'd missed the interview. Well, I ended up calling them to arrange a telephone interview which thankfully, they accommodated me by doing. Surprisingly, only one other person had cancelled due to bad weather. I was expecting nobody at all to turn up, given that Hereford had a lot of snow as well. As usual, the interview went very well indeed, but only time will tell if I get the job or not. I'm also still waiting on feedback from Orpington, who are stalwartly refusing to answer their telephones whenever I call them up, which I have been doing with frightening regularity and persistency since 9 yesterday morning. It's really cheeky of them not to tell me, given that we're now 4 days past the deadline they gave. So i'll keep hounding them I suppose, until they give me an answer either way. In the meantime, I have a meeting on Thursday with the folks who will hopefully be able to secure my funding for Hereford. On Friday I get to go to the gym hopefully, and then to a meeting with the MSG group which i'm involved in. I'm not sure if I mentioned them before, but if not, they're a special interest group who are carrying out research on neurological conditions such as MS and Parkinsons, and how exercise impacts on them. It's good from a physio point of view, and a job one, to be involved in something like this. It also holds personal interest because they're trying to develop a truely inclusive gym environment. That's important for people like me, as well as neuros and those with heart and BP problems. I don't usually go to gyms unless i'm with something, because the loud music that's normally played in those environments completely warps my spatial awareness and makes it almost impossible for me to navigate the environment on my own. I can use the Clear Unit (the MSG gym) because those types of restrictions don't apply. So, as well as being involved in the managerial side of the project, i'm also going to start using from a user's point of view, so that my feedback and approach to furthering the Clear Unit's existence is approached from an end user's perspective. How many times did I say user in that sentence? Forgive? Anyway, i'm rambling, but i've finished my nonsensical wafflings. I'll go to Hereford next week now probably, instead of this week. If there's anything of worth to tell you before then, i'll update. Until then, be good, stay safe, and if the cops find you, disguise yourself as a fat snowman, complete with carrot nose. I guarantee they won't be able to pick you out of a line up.

Tuesday 27 January 2009

Another year, another blog post

Looks as though you'll only be getting one a year from now on, if my shocking lack of updating this thing is anything to go by.

I did try and update about a month ago to tell you how the birthday went, but the blasted website deleted my post. It was a really good one, and had taken me ages to write, so I kinda lost heart a little after that and didn't want to go through and do it again. The sarcasm I commit to electronic paper only looks good when I write it the first time, you see. Yes, I do understand why you cringe as you read my pitiful attempts at humor.

So, what's been happening in the life of Carly then? Not a lot, to be brutally honest with you. The job situation's still the same, and is unlikely to change. The only difference is that we're a further 3 or 4 interviews down the line now. I'm currently waiting on the verdict from Orpington, Kent. Anyone care to place a bet on the outcome?

I've also had a bit of a change of heart regarding law. Yes yes, I know i'm fickle, ever changing. But i'm mercurial, dahling, it's kule. I got looking into it, really looking into it, and thought to research the job market this time before I just jumped blindly in. Like what I did there? Huh? oh, i'm just so witty I even crack myself up!

The course was gonna cost £20000 just to qualify. The job market has stiff competition, and apparently is getting worse every month. I don't have £20000 and can't get it from anywhere that won't charge me an awful lot of interest. As much as i'd love to do law, I just can't justify that kind of a cash output when it leaves me in a similar situation to where I am now. So i've changed yet again. This month, i will be exploring the possibility of teaching in post compulsory education. I love teaching, and already do it, what with doing my Hot Stone Massage courses and all. I really loved teaching the other students when I was doing physio as well, so if I did end up being a teacher, I don't think i'd be desperately unhappy or anything. Notice how i've neatly avoided the potential of teaching snotty nosed primary school kids and screaming, moody teens? Now that, would drive me truely nuts, or more so than I am already.

That's not the only thing opening up for me at the moment though. The CSP, which is the union for physios in the UK, has lifted the restrictions on junior physios. That means that I can now set up in private practice, if I wish to. Sad really that I don't have much of an interest in musculoskeletal physio, but if I don't get work soon, i think I am gonna have to try this route. Because of this possibility, i've arranged to go back to college for a 6 week course. It's called a 'work prep' course, but it teaches you things like how to be self employed, keep books, etc etc. It's in Hereford, which means that, if my fight for funding for the specialist education they provide pays off, i'll get to catch up with a lot of my old friends.

There's more reason than that though to go to Hereford. I have a lot of contacts down there, and they're currently just finishing off a massive multi milion pound sports centre which is proposed to be used in the 2012 olympics as an athlete centre. Physio, physio, physio! Chant with me folks. The more of us there are, the quicker they'll sit up and take notice. I've sent an email to the vice principle of the college, who happens to be a rather good friend of mine... Oh, the coincidence! No really, it was coincidence. You do believe me, right?

The biology teacher, oh, who just happens to be another good friend of mine (coincidence I tell you), will be retiring soon as well. This work prep course can be customised to meet the needs of the specific person, and i'm going to make quite sure that work experience is one of my identified needs. Tony is happy enough to let me play around with his class, and when the college see how good I am, it gives me an extra chunk of something to bludgeon them with when they're interviewing to fill his post. Oops, wait. No, college people, I really don't have my eye on the post. No, I swear i'm not using the course to help me get closer to getting a job with you.

But that's not all. Another friend, ahem, I mean colleague of course, that was a typo that's all. Yes, where were we? Another colleague spotted me last time I was down there and asked if i'd be interested in getting on board with a project he's currently running, looking at violence towards blinks. Put the clubs away. That is not the excuse you've been waiting for to come and beat me senseless. Honestly, picking on a defenseless blink? You should be ashamed of yourself! So I get to travel to Poland and Bulgaria potentially, if he gets back to me with the details, that is.

So there's a lot of possibilities floating around at the minute. But what about the stuff you've missed?

Mum's birthday was good. I can't really remember much about it though other than that the Bavarian Beerhouse where we ate was one of the noisiest places I have ever been in. Yes, it's even noisier than the screams of agony that are regularly ripped from the raw throats of my poor, long suffering patients. Bearing in mind that most of the volume was generated through drunken singing however, the comparison of tortured screams is a pretty apt one.

Christmas? Well, that was good. I got some really lovely stuff, and went home as well. Granny wasn't too bad this time. She's still pretty sick, but we did manage to get her to eat Christmas dinner, which is an improvement on last year which was spent in bed. Molly didn't come home with me. Did she huff? Well, of course not! I think the traitorous old bitch was glad to see me get on the train. "Oh, she's left me with JP. That means spoiling, belly rubs on demand, and, if I cry enough, I know he's soft, so he'll stop whatever he's doing and play with me until I decide i've had enough and flop down in a heap in some random, and very in the way, location of the house." Heh, she seemed a little disappointed when I came back and she realised that it was back to the way things used to be. That's when she huffed, oh yes.

Speaking of Molly, let's have some Molly adventures, shall we? I say Molly adventures because, when you go on an adventure, you have fun! Just ask good old Enid Blyton if you don't believe me. Molly had fun all right, oh, she had a whale of a time. Carly? Well, Carly hung onto the harness for dear life, prayed an awful lot, cursed the dog, and got thoroughly lost.

Adventure 1: There's now a new route to the train station. We found it by accident, but a fortuitous one at that. Now, instead of crossing those four awful roads, I only have to cross 1, and a small side road. Then it's up a path and onto a footbridge which takes you most of the way to the train station. Only problem is that, where we turn onto the bridge, if I go too far right, or turn too soon, I fall down a flight of steps, gracefully and stylishly of course, and end up sprawled, broken and bloodied but still graceful and stylish you understand, in the bottom of a subway. So, on to the adventure.

It was raining. As we know by now, old Molly doesn't much like the rain. Well, it was heavy, and she likes heavy rain even less than light rain. There was wind too. Oh, a recipe for disaster if ever i'd seen one. She avoided the harness, and my suspicions were confirmed. "Uh oh," thought I as I wrestled the stubborn animal into the harness, then cajoled her to take those first hard steps out of the warmth and into the wet. I made it to the bus in good time and accident free. "This might not be so bad," I thought as I stood waiting for it, trying to shelter her with my umbrella as well as keep myself dry. But I made a fatal mistake. I forgot to cover her rump. Carly, Carly, Carly, how could you be so stupid! As soon as she started walking to the bus when it arrived, I knew the domestic bliss was over. The walk was a flounce, a stiff legged, huffy flounce. Oh the bus driver got an enthusiastic enough wag and lick, but did I? Most certainly not! I got a loud sigh and the cold shoulder, together with a spray of dog hair and water when she shook off all over me.

When we got to the train station, I had to bully her into crossing the roads, but then she picked up her pace. Ah, so she knew where she was going then. She always gets excited when she does a new route for the first time, so as she sped ahead, I just let her go, all huffing forgotten. Suddenly, I found a face full of bushes. odd, I thought as I sampled the local flora (mmmm, tasty!), because I knew I was on the right path, and hadn't remembered bushes walling it off. Had they put this well entrenched hedge here over night just to confuse me? I just bet they had! But no, I thought, we must have missed the turn. I took her all the way back, encouraging her to find it, but nothing, no deviation from course to indicate there might be something there, nothing. I got back to the road, and just couldn't understand it. I knew I was on the right path. I got worried then, and called up a friend to ask for directions, but he couldn't help me. He told me the turn was on that path; it had to be! 20 minutes it took me. 20 minutes in the pouring rain walking back and forward, back and forward. I heard heels on the footbridge, and gladly grabbed the woman for help. As she showed me the turn, I had to physically drag that blasted dog off the path and onto the bridge. Once she was on it? Well, I gave her a right talking to and suddenly, as if by magic, she had the route memory back, and knew exactly where she needed to go. I turned up for my train sopping wet, speechless with rage and 15 minutes too late to catch it. Molly? Well, her work was done, so why waste any more energy on huffing?

There was another adventure, but it escapes my mind right now, so will have to wait for another post I think.

Oh, i'm also a year older. Yes folks, that sad day came on the 12th of January. I kept as quiet about it as I dared, but some still found out, and of course, spread the word. Guilty parties, you know who you are. Feel the shame as I shun you!

So, what else? Well, I can't really think of much else to tell. I had a clever little thing all planned to round this post off nicely, but I simply can't remember it. How many memory lapses is that now, in the space of writing this post? I swear they multiply every day. Before I embarrass myself further, i'm shutting up now. Expect an update... Well, just don't expect one and then you'll be pleasantly surprised when one arrives in 6 months from now instead of the promised 'tomorrow'. Cheerio.

Monday 15 December 2008

Tuesday 25 November 2008

Excuses, excuses!

Well, you know they're coming, in response to the terribly long time it's taken me to update. Ah heck, you know what? I'm not even gonna bother. I haven't had much to say, hence the lack of updatingness that's gone on, or hasn't gone on, on these pages.

I've been run off my feet trying to organise this law conversion. It's amazing how many phonecalls you have to make, how many forms to fill in, and all to give these people £8000 of your money to let you attend. What's with that? Very rarely do I beg to let me give someone more money than I currently have! But beg I shall. And i'm really looking forward to it. I've decided that i'm applying to Brookes, who's rated 4th best in the country, and Nottingham/Caplin law school in London rated top, then BPP in London, which is second or third, I can't remember which. I don't know whether to go full time or part time The full time is extremely hard, and i'm worried that because of the workload, my marks would be less than what they could otherwise be if I had more time. The problem with the part times in London though is that they get less teaching time than the full times, so in that way, my marks could also be compromised. I need to really consider this, and i'm considering applying for full time and part time and then just going for the one that accepts me.

So, that's what i've done all week. Admin, boring old form filling and telephoning. I spent most of yesterday being told that law firms wouldn't give me a work experience placement because all their places were full. I'd left it too late to apply. So i'll have to hope that that won't matter on the application, even though I suspect it will.

On Saturday I was teaching again, but I got a treat this time. One of my students is trained in Hopi Ear Candling, so I got her to give me a treatment. It was great. Imagine a tube of linen that's slightly tapered at one end. It's all coated in bees wax and the tapered end goes in your ear. As it burns, the warm air travels down into your ear, heating all the wax and junk that's in there. When it's soft and pliable, the candle acts kind of like a chimney and draws it all out. Now, I was dubious, I truly was, but it made a noticeable difference to my hearing. My right ear's terrible. I can't watch TV lying on my left side, because I have real trouble trying to make out what they're saying. On saturday night, this posed no problem at all. Apparently you need the treatments pretty frequently to begin with, to make the effects last, which is a real pity. It's something i'll definitely explore though.

And that's it. See why I left it so long to update? There's nothing really noteworthy happening at the moment. On Thursday, i'm going up to see mum for her birthday. I've ordered her present. Saw the perfect thing on Saturday, so now I just have to hope it's delivered on time. Knowing my luck with couriers, it'll come about 1 minute after i've left to catch the bus to see her. And no mum, I will not tell you what it is! Except that it's squidgy, yet, it's hard. Hah haha, I love driving her mad with wondering!

and, with that philosophical thought in mind, i'm off to eat chocolate!

Wednesday 19 November 2008

Change ahoy!

Yep, that's right, you heard it here first! Carly has decided that it's time to change.

It's time to change from being a physio to being a hard nosed lawyer/barrister. Why, you ask, is this now so final? Well, let me tell you.

I went to Bath on Tuesday for that interview, which, as usual, meant hours of travelling in crappy weather, plus the expense of the journey, plus having to deal with a moody mutt who huffed because, "Rain makes my hair all wavey!" I got there, as usual, a little early. The interview was scheduled for quarter past 1. When half past had came and went, I naturally started to get a little concerned. But i was told to sit down and relax; they were running late. Wonderful. So I have someone waiting to give me a lift home, and they're already 15 minutes late. My interviews take ages as well, because of all the questions they like to ask about "how do you manage your working day, being blind and all."

So, I went in, did the interview, and came out thinking i'd done all right. They said there were 3 candidates after me, but that they would let me know by the end of the day. The phone call came less than an hour later. Quite frankly, I was surprised. They'd managed to interview 3 inside an hour, when the normal interview lasts half an hour, and when the next candidate hadn't even arrived by the time i'd left? Oh, and what's that? You had lunch as well? Hmmmm, I smell a rat, I do.

They gave me feedback, and you know the only reason I didn't get that job? Because I said that osteophytes result from rumatoid arthritis, and they felt they were more commonly associated with Osteoarthritis than Rheumatoid. Um, hello, they occur in both conditions! I also have a sneaking suspicion that I was prevented from doing a practical element of the interview. I heard one of the pannel tell the candidate before me to go across to out-patients and sign in there, but was I told to do it? Of course not!

So, i've had it. I know that the main reason i'm not getting jobs is because of the blindness. ok, I don't know it for sure, but i'm pretty damn sure it has a huge sway. That's the sixth interview that's given me an idiotic reason for my not getting the job. Friends have told me to fight it, to cry descrimination, to raise hell. But to be honest, I can't be bothered. How can you prove discrimination when the pannel insist they found someone better able to meet the needs of the post? how can you prove that they're nit-picking at everything to find the smallest of reasons why you shouldn't have the job? You can't, so I refuse to go there. I don't want to be seen as a whiner, in any case.

So i've done something about it.

This morning, I went on the Law Society's website, and got some really good information about courses. I didn't know it, but apparently you can do a conversion course inside a year, which enables you to practice law just as though you'd done a degree. The work's very hard, it's self funded, and Oxford don't offer the course which is a pity. But, the application deadline isn't until February, which means that I could potentially be starting in September. Or, I wait, hope that Oxford has clearing for law, put in an application, and start in September to complete a 2 year degree. This gives me a second BA to my name, and it means I can get a student loan to fund it. But it does take two years instead of 1, and there's the potential that I might not be able to start until 2010.

After the academic side, you have to train for 2 years on a practical level. The Barr course is so, so expensive, and competition is apparently fierce, but really, i'd want to be a barrister rather than a solicitor. That decision's at least 18 months off though, so i'm not worrying about it yet.

I've started the application to be accepted on the 1 year CPE/GDL course, but will apply to Oxford as well. So there you go. I've done it. And you know what? I'm happier today than I have been in months. Again, I have a chance to prove i'm not a failure. In the meantime, i'll keep applying for physio jobs, but only the ones I really want, instead of taking anything and everything that pops up. Law, here we come!

Monday 17 November 2008

Things are looking up

Sorry there hasn't been an update in ages, but, to be honest, I just needed some 'me' time, and blog updates aren't as important as that. Well, i'm back on track at last. I've been able to reconcile last week and move on. The Birmingham people phoned me on Friday to tell me I hadn't got the job either, but i expected it, given that even their shortlist consisted of 64 interview candidates.

I've started planning for the future though. Yes, I want to work as a physio, I truly do, but to be brutally honest with you, and myself, I don't see it happening, not in the NHS anyway. I think, given the competition, that someone at a disadvantage is never ever ever going to be chosen for employment, given the many hundreds they can take their pick from. So i'm once again looking into law. Yep, it's a bit of a change I know, but at least then i'd have a good excuse to argue! I've considered law for years. It was either medical or law, right the way through school, but medical was my first love so it won out. I've decided that I will keep applying for jobs, but that i'm also putting in my UCAS form for 2010 to go back and study. I'm gutted. I've just missed the deadline for this years' application, so i'll have to wait. Oxford has offered me a fast track degree, so i can do law in 2 years, rather than 3. Sounds good to me.

I've spent a manic weekend as well. on Friday, I had to leg it to the bank to deposit money for my laptop before it closed. Then Saturday was given over to JP's mum's birthday. She'd booked a 'surprise trip', and wouldn't tell any of us where we were going. Now, it was an interesting day... Yes, interesting is the only word which quite sums it up. What with her sons and daughters, their partners and their kids, there was 11 of us going on a train. Had she reserved seats? of course not. Was the train back travelling during the commuter time rush? of course it was! So, we got split up, but all of us managed to get on the train, even if Molly did try and perform an acrobatic leap of at least 20 feet to follow the kids onto a different carriage. She was still attached to her lead, so you can imagine how funny it was. Heh, I nearly fell, and then, because the lead snapped her back, she thought i'd given her a correction. That resulted in a strop which lasted for most of the morning. She wouldn't look at any of us, and it was like dragging a suitcase. Ie, trying to make her walk alongside us resulted in an ongoing tug of war, with her standing still at one end of the lead, and me heaving with all my might on the other end.

When we'd got to Birmingham, mummy, as she shall be called to preserve anonymity, gathered all of us around her, and, with much holding of breath and dramatic pauses, announced that we all were going to......... Sea World! Can you imagine my excitement? Wow! I was going to a place full of fish! What? I can't see them? I won't enjoy myself? oh, don't be silly. Of course i'll enjoy walking through a very dark area, touching the odd bit of glass, imagining the water and fish behind it, and struggling to get through the place because it's too dark for my almost blind friend to see properly. Yep, I can't imagine a better way to spend my Saturday! I said nothing though. At the end of the day, it was her birthday, and, if she enjoyed it, I was definitely going to pretend that I did! After 3 and a half hours though, the plastic smile was really starting to make my jaws ache, and I couldn't think of any more ways to say how interesting everything was. Thankfully, at that point, we left.

Left, to walk along a canal and find a 'hand made burger' place. Well, the burgers were so hand made that they couldn't give me one that didn't have salad on it. "Oh, they're already made up, and there's no button on the till to tell them to give you one without salad." The burgers too were, erm, interesting. The charcoal tasted great. The chips were gorgeous though. So then, after the lovely food, it was time to walk, or should that be swim, to the train station. The rain was fierce, but, thankfully, we didn't get lost on the way. I was petrified though. We walked along the canal and, in some places, the streets are very, very narrow. I was walking on the side of the canal, with a fella who was struggling to see. i swear, I had visions of me having to choke up from the depths, raincoat only slightly more wet than it already was, to return to my walk. Thankfully, it didn't happen though.

Having got to the train station, we even found the right platform; no mean feat in Birmingham New Street's huuuuge railway station. When the train turned up, mummy seemed surprised that it was so packed that we could barely stand, never mind sit. Most of them did end up in seats though, but me, JP and his little nephew ended up in first class. Nobody would move from the disabled areas, so I just thought, "Oh, sod it. The dog's been stood on too many times already. Let's go and live the good life!" Even first class didn't have enough seats for us all, but Molly thought this was great. She had floor company, in the form of JP's nephew. poor lad. In the end, Molly was sprawled half across his lap, and half on the floor. All sulking had disappeared. I guess that the importunings for tummy tickles were dealt with in a manner she found highly appropriate.

Mummy invited us round to her house for drinking, but, after a half an hour's wait, then a bus journey, all in the cold, my back was aching so bad that I just told her flat out, i wasn't going. I don't think I could have pretended for much longer anyway.

Yesterday, as JP isn't going to be here on the day of her birthday due to work, we took her to a Chinese restaurant. The food was gorgeous, and, wonder of wonders, I didn't come home with various different coloured sauce-juice-rice stains liberally adorning my rather nice blouse. I slept like a trooper last night too. Couldn't even keep it together until 9 o'clock. Oh dear, oh dear, i'm getting old!

This morning started in the usual way. Up by 8, feed the beast, job hunt, then pass time until the next job hunt. I have an interview in Bath tomorrow, so we'll see if they surprise me by even considering me for the job.

Thursday 13 November 2008

I've had enough

I truly have. I hate job hunting with a passion. You're gonna get no humor from me today, just a healthy big dose of good old cynicism.

You remember that job I said I loved so much? The one where the staff seemed to really gel with me? The one I was almost certain to get? Surprise, surprise. I didn't get it. What was the reason? Well, as usual, there was none given, other than that, "Oh, it was a strong field, and unfortunately, we felt that another fitted the needs of the post better than you." Do you know how sick I am of hearing that? I'm bone weary of it. I'm so disappointed in fact, that I feel physically ill. How much more of this can I take? How many more rejections, before I throw my hands up in the air and say, "Right, that's it. I've had enough." Will tomorrow's rejection from Birmingham be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I'm frightened now. I don't want to not work. I don't want to give up wanting to look for jobs. But today, right now, I just feel so useless. I feel as though the whole effort of job hunting is just so fruitless, so pointless. Why keep putting myself out there, psyching myself up, when each and every time i'm bound to fail? Why do it, when it's wrecking my self-confidence? 5 interviews now. I've had 5, and all bar one haven't even bothered to give me a good reason why they're not employing. I'm very near that, "I've had enough," point, and it's scaring me.

Birmingham went well, although that means nothing, right? They said they'd let me know before the end of the week, but, as they're interviewing 64 candidates over 2 days, i'm not holding my breath while i wait to be offered the job... I don't want to suffocate.

That's it for today. Enjoy my depression... I'm not.